Night Out
by living-on-borrowed-crime
Summary: Takes place immediately following 3x15. Jane is depressed about Casey, and Maura drags her out dancing to help her get her mind off men.
1. Chapter 1

"Maura, I can't _believe_ I said that!" Jane threw her had back and clenched her fists and jaw in frustration. "It was so damn insensitive. 'I can't wait for-' _ugh_. No wonder he won't trust me to be there for him during the surgery!"

Maura cocked her head to one side and looked at Jane, eyes full of concern. She hated it when Jane got down on herself, especially about her mistakes with men. "Jane, stop it. You can't criticize yourself for saying that. Consider the situation. People's lives- your family and your partner's lives- were in danger. Of course you were going to get there as quickly as possible. If Casey doesn't understand that, he's being selfish." _Again_, she thought, without saying it aloud. Casey had shown no particular regard for Jane's feelings in recent history, but she knew pointing it out to Jane yet again would only make her best friend distance herself from her even more than she had been. She kept her silence on the issue.

"Noooo," Jane whined, drawing the word out. "He's the one dealing with this major injury and life-threatening surgery, and I'm- throwing my stupid _feelings_ in his face and only proving that I can't handle the reality of the way his life has to be now." She threw her head down into her hands and groaned loudly.

Maura's heart twinged. She reached over and gently pulled Jane's hands away from her face. She held Jane's left hand in hers as she pushed the black curls away from Jane's face and forced her friend to look into her eyes. "Listen to me. Tommy and TJ and Frost are alive and well because of you. You can hardly regret getting out to that site immediately and working to rescue them."

"Of course not. But-" Jane began.

Maura cut her off. "No. You save lives, Jane, every day. You put yourself at risk for people you don't even know. You're too strong for this, too strong to second guess yourself and the decisions that you need to make because a guy is feeling insecure and self-pitying hat he can no longer experience customary sensation during coition due to malfunction in the tumescence of his corpus cavernosum penile tissue."

"Because he can't- what? Maura, I'm too tired to translate your sciencey mumbo jumbo right now."

"I believe it's commonly referred to as "unable to get it off." She frowned, "Or is it 'up'?"

"Maur, geez, really? I should never have told you about that. And it's 'get off'. Or 'get it up'. Or 'get it on', even, but I don't really care what participle you use, this conversation-"

"Preposition." Maura cringed inwardly. She couldn't seem to restrain herself from inserting corrections to Jane's occasionally incorrect speech, although she knew that her friend bristled whenever she did it.

Jane glowered. "_Prepositions_, then. Whatever. That doesn't change the fact that I don't want to discuss my ex-boyfriend's privates with you."

"Fine." Maura was more than ready to get Casey out of her mind- and Jane's too, if she could. 'You need a distraction from this topic anyway. Something that will get neurotransmitters to the opiod receptors in your limbic system, so your body can start to combat the stress you're putting yourself through by worrying about your love life- or lack thereof. I suggest-"

"'Opium receptors? What, you want me to take drugs to get my mind off of what a fuck-up I am with men?" Jane asked.

"No, of course I'm not suggesting that you take illegal drugs, Jane. Opiod receptors don't just respond to inorganic chemicals. Your body is quite capable of producing its own chemicals naturally- endorphins. In fact, the name 'endorphin' is derived from the Greek words 'endogenous' – to reflect that it originates from within the body- and 'morphine', from the word for the Greek god of sleep, Morpheus- just like the drug." She looked up excitedly, delighted to be sharing that interesting bit of etymology with Jane. Seeing Jane's typically exasperated I'm-so-bored-could-you-please-get-to-the-point-bef ore-I-zone-out-completely face, Maura hastily continued to her idea, "Yoga! The deep breathing will provide a wonderful source of relaxing endorphins."

"I'm definitely not in the mood for New Agey meditation crap right now. How about I just listen to depressing music and eat ice cream and feel sorry for myself like every other American woman after she screws things up with the love of her life?"

Maura felt a twisting in the pit of her stomach at those words, but she pressed on, "If you don't have the patience for yoga right now, we could go for a long run instead. There's debate on whether the "Runner's High" is actually induced by endorphins or whether it comes from other chemicals such as epinephrine and serotonin being transmitted to the brain, but either way, it should cause a sense of euphoria that can help combat your depression."

Jane crossed her arms and jutted her chin out defiantly. "How about copious amounts of beer? That's the only chemical I feel like sending to my brain to right now."

Maura's face lit up, "I know! We'll go dancing! That incorporates your desire to self-medicate with music and beer, but will still be exercising your body and will get you out of the house."

"Maura, c'mon, I'm exhausted. I don't feel like it," Jane whined.

"Please, Jane? We haven't gone out together in weeks…we'll have so much fun! It'll be..." she paused, searching for the term, "…Girls' Night Out! Like in the movies."

Jane looked skeptical. "Girls' Night Out? Isn't that supposed to involve a whole group? What other women do we hang out with? What are we gonna do, invite Ma along? Oooh, maybe Sister Winifred will be free to join us! And Lydia and her alcoholic mother would probably like to come along. What fun!" she exclaimed sarcastically.

Maura's face fell. "You don't have to make fun of me, Jane. I never had a whole group of female friends to go out with; I didn't know it was reserved exclusively for parties of more than two. If you don't want to spend time with just me, that's fine."

She looked so hurt and disappointed that Jane had to relent. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry I made fun of your idea, and I would _love_ to go out dancing with you." She frowned, and pointed at Maura in warning. "But none of your fancy boarding school dancing styles. I'm not doing the…foxtrot or tango or anything. We go to a regular club, have a few drinks, dance to a couple of normal songs, and then we call it a night and go home."

"Yay!" Maura exclaimed, clapping her hands eagerly in front of her chest. "We'll have fun and get your mind off of Casey. I promise."

"Yeah, maybe." Jane had to smile at her best friend's child-like display of excitement.

"Oooh, what are we going to wear? I've got a two new dresses that I haven't had the opportunity to wear yet." Maura directed her gaze disapprovingly towards Jane's closet. "I know there's nothing suitable in there, so you can choose one of mine for your outfit, and I'll put on the other." Maura said.

Jane's smile disappeared. "You can wear whatever uncomfortable going-out get up you want, but I'm sticking to my own closet. I need a shower more than I need fancy clothes. Jeans and a button-down is as dressed up as I'm getting," she said firmly.

"Fine," Maura relented. She did like to see Jane dress up sometimes, but she couldn't deny that the detective's lean gastrocnemius muscles in her calves and her gluteus maximus were extremely well displayed when she wore jeans.

An hour later, the two women were in Maura's apartment, Jane sitting up against the pillows on Maura's bed, beer in hand, as she waited for Maura to finish changing and prepping in the bathroom.

"Later that same day- Maur, c'mon, it's just gonna be the two of us; you don't have to primp like you're trying to pick up a hot date. I thought the idea was to get men _off _the brain. I swear, if you ditch me for even one _minute_ to flirt with a guy, I will be outta there and heading home to wallow in comfort."

Maura walked out of the bathroom and settled on the bed next to Jane. She patted her friend reassuringly on the shoulder and allowed her hand to linger as she spoke, "I wouldn't ditch you, Jane. Tonight will be just us, out having a good time together." She laughed. "There will be no opportunities for you to escape to wallow. I'm not letting you go home until you've had fun."

Jane inclined her head and looked defiantly at Maura. "You've got your work cut out for you, Dr. Isles."

Maura pursed her lips and half-smiled. "I think I'm up for the challenge." She stood up, tugging on Jane's hand. "Come with me. The taxi will be here any minute."

Jane let her body hang as a dead weight against Maura's grip for a moment, demonstrating her reluctance towards the evening's plans, before sighing and allowing her best friend to lead her into the living room. She took the last swallow of beer in her bottle, then tossed it into the recycling bin. "Hey, Maura, ya got any whiskey?"

"Whiskey?" Maura frowned. She had rarely seen the detective drink any hard alcohol, and wondered how drunk Jane planned on getting that evening. Against her better judgment, she reached into the cabinet over her sink and removed a bottle and an Old-Fashioned glass. Setting them on her counter, she turned and walked to the refrigerator to retrieve ice. As she came back, ice cube tray in hand, she gasped to see that Jane had poured herself a drink and was in the process of tossing it back.

"Jane!" she scolded, half horrified, half amused. "Do you realize what you just gulped down as though it were a shot of unpalatable medicine?"

"Uhhh," Jane said, holding up the bottle and squinting at it. "Bunn- bunnahahab-" she tried.

"Bunnahabhain 18 year," Maura corrected, pronouncing it correctly as '_bun-na-HA-vin._' "It's a single-malt Scotch whisky, and it is meant to be sipped and savored, not chugged. Drinking it like that, you can't possible appreciate all it has to offer- it's a unique Islay whisky- nutty, and rather sweet, while only having a touch of the smokiness and peat you would expect from-"

Jane held up a hand to stop her. "Really with the whisky history lesson? The bunny-haven is good, I get it, I'll drink it slowly next time, and really _savor_ it, I promise."

"Bunnahabhain," Maura repeated. "It's Scots Gaelic, from the phrase "bun na h-abhain', meaning 'mouth of the river'."

Jane rested her head in her hand, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger, bracing herself for the discourse.

"The Celtic languages are truly fascinating," Maura continued. "Did you know that they utilize a system of word-initial consonant mutations called lenition and eclipsis-"

Jane heard the _toot toot_ signaling the cab's arrival outside. She gratefully grabbed her jacket with one hand and Maura's arm with the other, and ushered the still-lecturing doctor out the door, listening to her persist with her diatribe.

"And word initial vowels necessitate their own set of rules, namely t-insertion and h-insertion, which we see before 'abhain' in 'Bunnahabhain'. It's a rather rare linguistic phenomenon…" She trailed off as Jane shut her into the taxi on the curb side before walking around and letting herself into the back seat on the opposite side.

"224 Mass Ave, please." requested Maura.

As they exited the taxi at the club, Maura fervently hoped that a night out would do Jane some good. She had spent the entire ride over rehashing her conversation with Casey, and Maura felt unable to take it any longer. She couldn't sort out her own emotions well enough to effectively talk Jane through the situation. She herself was feeling a mixture of sadness for Jane, nostalgia for he way their friendship had been when Jane wasn't obsessing over a man, frustration at her inability to get through to Jane, hurt at the way her friend was treating her like a soundboard, and a sense of loss and fear for herself, wondering where- if- Jane would continue to fit Maura into her life.

She felt trapped and used in her relationship with her biological mother, a feeling she was familiar with from many of her past relationships. Things had always felt drastically different from that with Jane, and the fleeting notion that things had been changing between them lately, that Jane was perhaps taking Maura's presence and feelings for granted- Maura didn't wasn't to continue entertaining that line of thought. She just wanted this night to be a genuine break from the way things had been recently, a break- for both of them- from having Casey constantly on the brain, a return to the 'Jane and Maura-ness' that Maura had treasured so much these past few years.

Maura gathered herself together, straightening up and turning to grin at Jane by her side. She was determined to put the negativity aside and relax and enjoy the evening. "Come," she said, voice upbeat, "Let's dance.


	2. Chapter 2

Upon entering the club, Jane had made a beeline for the bar, shushing the protesting Maura following along behind her, who was trying in vain to convince Jane to start the night off with dancing.

"No way," Jane insisted. "Look at it out there!" She gestured to the dance floor. "It's still early. There are, like, three people out there. I am _not_ gonna put myself on display for everyone to look at. Besides, you agreed that beer would be a part of this night." She waved the bartender over and placed her beer order, looking expectantly at Maura, waiting for her to make a selection.

Maura bit her lip and gave a little sigh. She hoped Jane wasn't going to try to drown her sorrows too thoroughly in alcohol; she would only end up sloppy and guaranteed to have physical illness compounding her emotional pain in the morning. Still, Jane did get awfully sweet when she was tipsy. And she would usually allow Maura to take care of her, something that made Maura feel warm and needed, and which Jane's pride rarely allowed her to accept while sober. Maura requested a glass of red wine for herself, deciding she would have one drink to relax her mind a bit, then she'd focus on keeping Jane from getting excessively inebriated.

Once they had their drinks, Jane plopped down on one of two adjacent open stools and rested her elbows on the bartop, chin dejectedly slumped in her hands. Maura perched on the stool next to her and rubbed Jane's back for a moment, wishing she could get her friend out of the replays of the past going on in her head, and into the present, into an evening out with her best friend.

"Do you think I should insist on being there? For the surgery? I want him to know that I'm in, that I'm all in if he'll let me." Jane scrunched her face into a grimace. "Or is that too needy? Ugh, am I acting needy? Maura, what would you think if I'd been your girlfriend and you were getting major surgery and trying to distance yourself, but I wouldn't let you? Is it loving or…or…desperate?"

Maura's focus had been drifting, but she came back to attention when Jane spoke her name. Her friend's last sentence caused an unpleasant plunge of her heart. _If I'd been your girlfriend. If you were getting major surgery._ In the face of Jane's depressed ramblings this evening, Maura hadn't felt reading to bring up her agreement with Hope to donate her kidney to Cailin. She wondered why she hadn't said anything yet. Should she tell Jane now? There was something in her that was reluctant to do so. Maura struggled to identify it. A fear? Jealousy? She recognized an uncomfortable doubt inside her that Jane might dismiss her. Might return to fretting about Casey and not show any concern for Maura. She wasn't worried that Jane wouldn't _care_- she knew her best friend loved her- but Jane hadn't been very good at demonstrating that recently. She didn't think she could put up with coming second to someone she was putting first, not when Hope had done the exact same thing just a few hours earlier.

Maura looked at Jane seriously. "If I were in Casey's position, I don't know what I would feel or think." _If I were your girlfriend, I wouldn't have put you in this position in the first place, _she thought. An unexpected anger rushed through her. "Can we talk about something else for a while?" she requested.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. "So how 'bout them Red Sox?" Jane intoned sarcastically, tilting her beer absentmindedly in the direction of the ball game on the bar's television. She brought it to her mouth and finished it in a long swig, signaling to the bartender for another.

Maura glanced at the game, then turned back to Jane, tilting her head quizzically. "Well, that's odd. Do the Red Sox wear the blue uniforms or the orange?"

"Huh? Jane looked up from her drink, eyebrow cocked.

Maura double-checked the TV; the two teams playing were definitely blue and orange. "Well, I've never extensively studied the history and traditions of baseball, but common sense would seem to dictate that a team with a certain color in its name would have that color in its uniforms."

Jane opened her mouth and gaped in disbelief at her friend for a moment. "Maura, those aren't actually the Red Sox playing, it's the Yankees and Orioles. I was just using the expression- y'know, when there's an awkward pause in the conversation, and you say, "How about them…whatevers? Usually a local sports team?" She had to smile despite her bad mood; Maura was nodding along, eyebrows raised in interest, eager to learn new facts, as ever, no matter how mundane and irrelevant to her life they might be. She shook her head, grinning slightly. _You gotta appreciate Maura Isles, _she thought. _Exasperating sometimes, sure, but not one else could make naïveté seem adorably quirky rather than profoundly annoying._ The smile slid off her face. _Whereas my relationship naïveté apparently just drives people away._ Disgusted with herself, she returned to her beer, staring off in moody silence.

* * *

After several attempts at conversation that elicited only one-word answers from Jane, Maura gave up in exasperation. She bit back a comment as Jane ordered another beer, her fifth drink already that evening. _She'll deserve it if she does have a hangover tomorrow,_ thought Maura. She relented quickly, her spiteful thought followed by a mental note to make sure Jane stayed hydrated and took some aspirin before going to bed.

On that note, Maura looked around for the bartender, intending to request ice water for the two of them. She noticed that he was at the other end of the bartop, chatting with a customer. She murmured, "I'll just be a moment" to Jane, who only tipped her head in acknowledgment.

Maura slipped off her stool and walked over to the bartender. He and the man he was talking to both looked up at her as she approached. She felt the man's eyes do a sweep of her body, taking in the jade green dress that complemented her figure well, and he gave an unconscious nod of approval. Maura felt her face flush slightly at the attention, but she shrugged the discomfort off, thinking, _Well, _someone_ may as well appreciate my appearance this evening._

"Two glasses of water please," she requested of the bartender. He turned his back to fill two cps with ice, and the customer straightened up from his previous position slouched over the countertop.

"Designated driver tonight, eh?" he asked Maura.

"Not exactly, no. But I am taking charge of hydration for my friend and myself tonight." She indicated the other side of the bar, where Jane sat. "The diuretic effects of alcohol lead to dehydration, so it's important to replenish the body's supply of fluids by counterbalancing the effects of alcohol. It also dilutes the toxins in the blood and the stomach, and assists in proper function of the kidneys, to encourage an excretion of the waste products left in the body after imbibing."

The man looked amused. "Well, well. We have a smart one here, don't we? I'm always impressed with people who have the brains for science and math. I'm hopeless with anything like that- writing and language are where my talents lie."

The bartender returned with the water, handing the glasses to Maura. As she took them and started back towards Jane, the man took a step into her path, reaching out his right hand to her. "I'm Christopher," he said.

Maura attempted to shift both glasses to her left hand, feeling rude for leaving him waiting with his hand out as she fumbled.

Christopher quickly stepped in to help. "How thoughtless of me, I'm sorry. Here, let me." He took the glass from Maura's right hand, shook it, and started over towards Jane and Maura's seats. Maura followed, wishing she could have extricated herself before he got to Jane and further annoyed the detective, but he seemed invested in continuing to make their acquaintance.

He set one glass in front of Jane and pulled Maura's stool out for her. Maura stood awkwardly, feeling that she couldn't avoid making introductions. "Jane, this is Christopher. Christopher, my friend Jane."

Christopher extended his hand, Jane looked up, displeasure and impatience written all over her face. She reluctantly reached out and took Christopher's hand, maintaining contact for only the briefest second before letting it drop. Maura winced a little at Jane's obvious display of disdain.

"It's a pleasure, Jane. I was just talking to your friend here…who, come to think of it, hasn't told me her name yet." Christopher looked expectantly over to Maura. As she opened her mouth to provide her name, Jane cut in. "That's Doctor Isles," she said, adding a deliberate emphasis to the title, jockeying to force a distance between Christopher and Maura.

Christopher remained pleasant up against Jane's ferocity. "Well, Jane, could you be persuaded to relinquish Dr. Isles here for a few minutes for a dance with me?"

Jane crossed her arms and turned her body towards Maura, braced for an argument. "Well, Dr. Isles? Who you gonna pick?" she challenged.

Maura dropped her gaze towards the floor for a moment. Jane's negative attitude was compounded by the alcohol, enhancing her already confrontational personality. She was tempted for a moment to leave her friend for a dance or two. Even a pushy stranger was likely to be more fun than Jane in her present state. She looked up, about to accept, but caught sight of Jane's face, where she was started to see a sadness and hurt in her eyes, just beyond the front of anger.

Maura paused for a moment, caught up in her friend's countenance. She snapped back to attention, redirecting her line of sight back to Christopher. "I appreciate the invitation," she said sincerely, "but I'd like to spend the evening with my friend. Maybe some other time."

In her first stroke of luck that evening, Maura was grateful to hear Christopher give up the endeavor without a fuss. "Some other time then," he said graciously. "Have a good evening, ladies." He turned and headed back to resume his conversation with the bartender.

Maura watched him for a moment, then noticed a slight dimming of the lights and an increase in the volume of the music. More people started drifting out to the dance floor, and she wished to be out there as well, mind and body caught up in the music. She pulled herself together, rallying for once last attempt to salvage her planned night out with Jane.

She stood, offering up her hand. "Dance with me. Please?" She raised her shoulders in question, eyes hopeful.

"No," Jane replied flatly.

"Why not?"

Jane broke eye contact with Maura to slump dejectedly onto the bartop, face in a pout. "You were flirting with that guy. And he liked you. I told you you'd ditch me."

"Jane," Maura entreated, the plea obvious in her tone. "_He_ was flirting with _me_. I did not ditch you; I'm right here. But-" her voice hardened, "so help me God if you allowed me to turn down a perfectly respectable dance partner with no intention of coming through for me yourself." She retracted her hand and held herself, hands on hips, image of haughtiness on her face.

Jane felt guilt cut through her childish stubbornness. _I can't actually say no to her…'specially not when she's all mock angry like that._

"Mrmgrhm," she grumbled. "Fiiiiine, Maura. A couple dances. Because it's you. But I'm still mad about that guy you brought over here." The way Maura beamed back at her made it almost worth it to have to get up and go pretend to have fun on the dance floor. The doctor grabbed her hand and swiveled to propel them both out into the room.

"Wait, wait a sec!" Jane tugged her back. "One more drink first." She'd gotten her brain to the point where she was feeling almost fuzzy enough inside to put Casey out of her mind for a while.

Maura gave her a withering look.

"I'll be quick! Promise. I'll get a shot. And you're having one too."

Maura looked appalled at the very idea. "I don't do shots, Jane."

Jane grinned wickedly. "You do tonight. That's my condition for dancing- you do one shot with me first."

"I don't know. I hardly think…" Maura faltered.

"Loosen up, Maura. Think of it as one of those experiences you missed at on at those pretentious academic schools you went to. You wanted to have Girls' Night Out, right? I think this is a necessary part of that." She caught the bartender's attention. "Two shots of Sauza Gold…with a tomato juice back for my friend."

Three glasses were set in front of them. Jane pushed two in front of Maura, and instructed her to have the tomato juice ready at hand. She gulped hers down quickly, then watched in amusement as Maura hesitantly picked up her first shot glass and raised it to her lips.

"All at once, Maur, you don't want to have to hold it in your mouth for any extra time." It felt odd to Jane to be the one instructing her friend for once.

Maura gave a small sigh of resignation and swallowed the drink, spluttering a bit at the end. She grabbed the juice and quickly swallowed that down as well. "God, that was _ghastly_!" she exclaimed.

Jane covered her mouth with one hand, laughing at Maura's horror.

"I can't believe people drink that voluntarily," Maura continued. A shudder went through her entire body, and she shook her head a little to brush it off. "Now. Dancing. No more stalling. You owe me for putting me through that."

She reached her hand out again, and this time, Jane took it and allowed herself to be lead by Maura Isles out into the mix of dancing bodies.


	3. Chapter 3

Jane Rizzoli was out of her element, and even through the gentle fog enveloping her brain, she knew it. She'd thought going out to a regular club would make it easier to blend into the activities than the salsa or ballroom dancing venue that she'd been afraid Maura meant when she suggested dancing, but that was not the case. She'd assumed Maura, with all of her concurrent classiness and social awkwardness, would not actually know what to do when faced with the typical dance club music of downtown Boston. She'd imagined that they would get up, sway around and shuffle from foot to foot for a song or two like a couple of middle schoolers at their first dance, then sit down.

But how wrong she'd been. Maura Isles could dance. Her friend's body moved freely with the music, and she undeniably had _moves, _which were attracting some attention from the club patrons near them. All the more so because Jane, as her dance partner, was definitely the awkward middle school kid in this equation, standing out like a sore thumb next to Maura. She'd always been self-conscious about the way her body moved- or didn't- along with music. She felt fully in control of her limbs while playing sports, apprehending suspects on the job, running...even the yoga classes Maura dragged her along to weren't so uncomfortable. But dancing required a relinquishing of control that made Jane squirm internally.

She stood stiffly, positioned with her back to a wall to minimize the angles that people could see her from, and shifted her weight side-to-side. She tried to wriggle her shoulders a bit in time with the beat of the music, but even the smallest movements on Jane's part made her feel sure she appeared foolish. And there was Maura in front of her, the woman looking like she'd been born to dance.

Although Jane had been resistant to the idea of going out dancing, Maura hadn't realized beforehand quite why her friend had put up such a fuss. She viewed Jane as strong, confident, and capable- and although she knew Jane had her share of insecurities, it always took Maura aback to discover a new one. The detective was clearly extremely uncomfortable with dancing. She moved her body as minimally as possible, arms pinned down at her sides, looking like a deer caught in the headlights any time Maura made eye contact. _If she's this rigid and self-conscious even after drinking, it's no wonder she insisted on having a couple prior to letting me talk her out here. _Maura wondered if she should take pity on Jane and call it a night. She'd been dying to dance all evening though, and didn't very frequently get the opportunity. _Maybe I can help get her into it a little bit. She might do better with assistance. _If_ she's willing to let someone else be in charge for once._

Maura closed some of the distance between them. She leaned in and called to Jane to let Maura take her hands.

"What?" Jane yelled over the music. "I can't hear you!"

_It was no wonder, _though Maura. Since they'd gotten up, the nighttime clientele had arrived, and the club had gotten significantly louder. Instead of trying to compete with the music, Maura simply reached down and took Jane's hands in her own. Maura almost laughed to find the detective's palms sweaty. _So this is what it takes to scare Jane Rizzoli._ She felt resistance in Jane's arms as she tried to guide them up and into motion.

Maura stopped dancing and bent in close to Jane, inclining her head up to yell into her ear. "Loosen up, Jane! Think of it as one of those experiences you missed out on at that straight-laced Catholic school you went to." She grinned up at Jane, full of pride, delighted with herself for finding an opportunity to toss Jane's mocking words from earlier in the evening back at her.

Jane stepped back, looking down at her with eyebrow raised. "Really? You're gonna choose this moment to bring out one of your rare jokes? Thanks, because I wasn't uncomfortable enough already. You want to end my torture now and go sit down?"

In answer, Maura took up Jane's hands once again. "Seriously. Try to let your body loosen up a little. Just let me guide you."

Jane was still reluctant, but Maura was moving again, and moving Jane along with her, and Maura really did ask for so little... _I should try. I should try and do this for Maura. If I have one more drink, maybe I can loosen up a little like she says. _Jane extricated herself from Maura. "Just a sec. I'll be right back."

"Are you all right?" Maura looked concerned.

"Yeah...bathroom, that's all," Jane lied. This came so easily to Maura that Jane felt embarrassed about her need to drink to muster up the confidence she normally had in spades. Maura moved to follow, but Jane held up a hand to stop her. "No...no, stay, you're having fun." Seeing Maura's hesitation, she added, "I'll come back, I promise." She felt her words slur a bit, but Maura couldn't tell over the music, and she let Jane slip away.

Jane headed in the direction of the restroom, turning to check whether Maura could see her before ducking behind a group of people and approaching the bar. She brought her eyes into focus on the bartender and ordered another shot. After downing it quickly, she wheeled around to make her way back, feeling slightly more ready. She caught sight of Maura from a distance.

She stopped in her tracks and just watched for a moment. Her friend was dancing alone, but looked so natural, so happy. It made Jane wish, for once, that she could do the same. _The way she moves- god it's beautiful. I wanna be out there with her, just dancing with Maura and forgetting the bad stuff for a while._

She jostled her way through the crowd of people, approaching Maura from behind. As she approached her, she took a deep breath. _Okay, just chill out, Rizzoli. It's just dancing. Everyone else here is doing it- stop being so freakin' self-conscious and just get into it._

Maura felt Jane arrive beside her, resting her hand on Maura's hip to announce her presence. She looked up at the detective's face, pleased to see her actually smiling, and with noticeably decreased tension in her muscles. She was grasping for Maura's hands, and Maura was surprised to feel Jane begin to dance, pulling Maura along with her. _Well, this is a change…I suppose she's reached the lowered inhibitions stage of intoxication._ She laughed as her friend flung her whole body into motion, cavorting with the music.

Jane caught sight of Maura's face and stopped moving abruptly, unsure of herself. "Maura, what? You're laughing! Do I look stupid? I knew this was a bad idea." She looked over her shoulder uncertainly, as though deciding whether to bolt.

Maura felt some of the happiness that had come from seeing Jane relax and give into a night out start to drain away. _I hate seeing her like this. I hate the self-doubt written in her every action these days. I hate Casey for doing this to her._ She reached for Jane's hands again and held them firmly. Looking into her friend's eyes, she shook her head emphatically. "_No._ You're not leaving yet. I was laughing because it was so nice- refreshing- to see you having fun again."

Jane couldn't make out most of what Maura was saying- between the hot rush of embarrassment, the noise of the music and voices, and the rush of alcohol in her brain, the words weren't too clear- but she knew Maura well enough to read her best friend's face under any conditions. Maura's eyes were not judgmental, and if she wasn't embarrassed to be seen with Jane, then Jane was damn well going to continue to do what felt right, and what felt right in that moment was to set her body back in motion with the music. And if that made Maura laugh- as long as she wasn't laughing _at_ Jane- then all the better.

Maura was relieved to see the effect her words had on the detective- that her friend trusted her enough to allow herself to do something she felt self-conscious about on Maura's word that it was ok. Jane was finally letting herself get into the music, dancing as freely as any of the people around her. _Would she be able to do this in front of Casey? _wondered Maura. _Would_ his_ presence ever give her the confidence to be herself? _

She felt Jane's body move closer into hers and the weight of Jane's hands resting heavily on her hips. She glanced up to see Jane's neck lolling slightly forward, eyes loosely closed, even as her body was still dancing. Though part of Maura enjoyed the closeness, she had the nagging sense of disappointment that perhaps it was just inebriation, and not her easiness around Maura that was making her willing to relax and venture out of her comfort zone.

Maura felt herself being pulled even more tightly against Jane. Jane's arms were now wrapped around her back, and as she danced, she pressed her whole body up against Maura, her head resting gently down against the doctor's forehead.

Maura felt a surge of warmth and contentment run through her. Her fingers involuntarily intertwined with the loops on Jane's jeans, and she drew herself in even closer. For one brief, heart-dropping moment, she allowed herself to think that Jane was finally- _finally_- acknowledging that the closeness between them deserved the chance to progress beyond friendship. That Maura would complement her where Casey lessened her. That she returned the feelings that had been growing inside Maura over the years.

As Maura sensed her instincts and desires about to guide her lips toward Jane's in what seemed like the natural follow-up to Jane's actions, she felt the detective stumble, and suddenly found herself supporting Jane's weight as she regained her balance, leaning heavily on Maura.

Maura caught herself mentally even as she caught Jane physically. _She's not experiencing attraction and arousal. She's not touching me like this because she wants to be as close to me as I want to be to her. She's just overly intoxicated and relying on me for support. _She sighed, feeling the ache inside of her turn back from desire into sadness. She gently unwrapped Jane's hands from around her waist and slipped Jane's arm over her shoulder.

"You've humored me out on the dance floor long enough, Jane. Let's go sit down and we can call for a taxi."

Jane stubbornly shook her head, curls flying from side to side, protesting. "Noooo, Maura, I'm finally having fun! I don't want to go home. I want to dance with you. You wanted to dance and I wanna make you happy."

Maura eyed her warily. A note of drunken petulance had crept into Jane's voice, and Maura didn't want to have to fight with her to get her home. _Besides, if I upset her, she's liable to start crying over Casey again, and I can't. I just can't._

She chose her words carefully. "I am happy, Jane. But I'm also exhausted. We'll just sit down and take a break, okay?" With luck, she could distract Jane long enough for her to lose interest in dancing, and they could get home before she was irrational enough to misinterpret any more of Jane's actions. _It's not like me to read things into a situation just because I want them to be so, and not because the behavioral indications are actually present._ She frowned, lost in worry and disappointment as she lead Jane to a pair of chairs off the dance floor.

Jane flopped down in the chair next to Maura. _God, I feel _good._ Why didn't I ever do this before? _she wondered. Instead of the lethargic self-deprecating depression she'd been stuck in for weeks, her mind was filled with a giddy warmth. Maura, beside her, was staring off across the room, eyes vacant. _She looks sad, _Jane realized. _I can't let her be sad._ She scooted closer to Maura and leaned into her with the vague notion that she could transmit some of the positive energy she was currently overflowing with to Maura via touch.

"Maura," she said.

"Mmm?" Maura acknowledge absently.

Jane rested her head against Maura's shoulder and made a deliberate effort to focus on the words coming out of her mouth. "Maura. You're my best friend. I've been sad lately and making you be sad along with me. But you brought me out tonight to have fun because you always know what's best for me." Sensing that Maura wasn't really paying attention, she clutched at her arm, wanting her friend to understand how strongly she was feeling. "Don't disappear now, okay? You wanted a…what'd you call it?" She searched her mind, drawing a blank.

Maura looked down at Jane. "Girls' Night Out?" she supplied.

"Yeah, that it," Jane agreed. "C'mon, Maur, don't be sad on Girls' Night Out." She shook her finger at Maura. "It's not allowed. Fun only."

She looked so adorable, sitting there nodding knowingly, that Maura didn't want to ruin her good mood by pointing out that it was in fact Jane who had spent most of the evening moping.

The song that was playing ended, and after a few seconds' silence, the next song began, an upbeat tune. Maura was startled to feel Jane jump up suddenly. She grabbed Maura's hand beseechingly, tugging her to her feet.

"Jane, I- " Maura started to protest, but Jane cut her off.

"Maura, please? It's such a good song. Come dance with me?"

Maura had to smile at the pure enthusiasm. Jane looked for all the world like an excited child, hair disheveled, grinning like this one small thing was all she wanted in the world.

The fervor was catching. _I shouldn't be sulking like this because I can't have everything I want. Isn't that what I was bemoaning earlier about Jane's reaction towards Casey? This is the best friend I've been missing so much lately- the one who's just trying to have a good time with me in the moment. Don't throw that away in self-pity._ She pushed her disappointment aside and smirked back at Jane. "Well then. Let's get out there. I want to see more of your newfound dance talent at work."

At that, Jane yanked on Maura's hands again, taking a few giant steps backward towards the throng of people. She laughed at the look of surprised on Maura's face, and the little trot she did to keep up. Overcome with adoration for her friend, she reeled her in for a quick hug before setting into a spirited, carefree dance that made Maura laugh and join in.

Although Jane had started off keeping a bit of distance between the two women (_Necessary_, Maura noted, amused, considering the liberal motions Jane was making with her arms in her eagerness. _Dancing would definitely not fall under her list of "mad skills", but she's delightful to watch), _after a few songs she settled down and gravitated into Maura's space once again. Fervently attempting to keep herself from wandering backing into hopeless scenarios, Maura tried to clear her mind of "what ifs" and just pretend she was dancing with any other person with whom she felt no attraction, no chemistry.

But by this point, Jane had her hands and body travelling over Maura's, making it impossible for Maura to keep her breathing from quickening, her own hands from reaching out for Jane.

_Keep your mind elsewhere, _she ordered herself. _Physiological reactions can be tempered by focusing the mind away from undesired thoughts and onto a more appropriate target. _

She began mentally naming each of the major muscles groups and their functions, slowly and deliberately focusing on feeling each muscle in her body as she named it, closing her eyes to avoid seeing the detective's face inches from her own. _Latissimus dorsi_, she thought. _And the rhomboids. Important for maintaining good posture._ She squeezed her shoulder blades together.

Just as she took in a calming breath, firming her resolve to keep her attention on her mental task, she felt Jane's hands settle into the small of her back, drawing her hips in to meet Jane's. Maura gave a sharp intake of breath, feeling the rush flow down and throughout her body. Lightheaded with simultaneous arousal and nerves, she forced herself to remove her arms from around Jane and placed them on Jane's hipbones, gently pushing to create a separation between them.

Jane felt Maura slip away and immediately missed the pressure of her friend's body close to hers. She didn't know how to explain what she was feeling, and she had no interest at that moment in analyzing and identifying it; she only cared that she get Maura Isles back up against her.

She stepped in, closing the distance, once again dropping her arms low around Maura's back. The doctor didn't resist being pulled back into Jane, but Jane did feel a light tremble course through Maura's body. She felt a calm confidence that she couldn't remember experiencing before, a sense that she could let her actions guide themselves, that nothing could go wrong.

Still keeping her right arm wrapped snugly around Maura, she let her left hand trail slowly up Maura's side until she held her friend's jaw cupped in her palm, fingers slipped under Maura's hair. Maura's eyes fluttered open slightly.

Meeting her gaze, Jane leaned her head down and found her lips, kissing her softly at first, adjusting to the new experience, then more hungrily when Maura reciprocated, pulling Maura's head tightly towards her own. A thought crept into the back of her mind. _Why am I…? _but she chose to push it away, leave it for another time, and just let the staggering surge of feelings at holding Maura this close fill up her mind.

Maura thought she might faint. She had never experienced a situation of such overwhelmingly opposite impulses before. Everything about what Jane was doing was calling to her to respond in kind; she had wanted this for so long. But as she felt Jane's mouth on her own, as Jane's fingers tensed on her jaw and back of her neck, as her hands clutched at the fabric on Jane's shirt, unwilling to let the moment go, her conscience screamed at her to stop and think.

_Am I taking advantage of her? She's inebriated and I still have my faculties free from any substance…although the oxytocin and dopamine released from being in such an arousing situation may be affecting my judgment as well_. She felt Jane guiding her backwards, a few slow steps that didn't necessitate any pause or separation between them, until they were in a corner off the dance floor. Maura felt her back touch up against the wall, and Jane pressed her into it, one of her hands now tangled in Maura's hair, tugging and caressing gently.

Maura tried to release her mouth from Jane's, intending to tell her they should stop, but a soft, involuntary moan escaped from her mouth instead. Jane took the broken contact as the chance to nudge Maura's head to the side, working her way down to Maura's neck with her lips.

_It's my responsibility to end this._ Maura tried to collect herself to take action. _She's never said anything that can truly allow me to assume she's not straight. She's in love with Casey. She may well regret this tomorrow, may blame me for letting it happen._ _It can't be right for me to just let her…_

Her thoughts trailed off, the distraction of Jane's hands and mouth on her too much for her to convince herself to take the moral high ground. The internal conflict fell to the wayside as she heard the detective's low voice whisper her name in her ear as Jane's mouth traveled up from her neck and her tongue once again parted Maura's lips.

Jane was reeling. A demanding sense of urgency ran through her as she moved her hands around Maura's body, unable to settle, wanting every part of Maura to be under her fingertips all at once. _This is Maura. This is how Maura's waist feels under your hands. How her body fits up against yours. What it's like to have her hands slide up under your shirt, touching your back. Maura. _

She'd gotten so consumed in the experience, the excitement, the utter confidence that what was happening was definitively right and fitting that their surroundings had slipped away from her. She froze suddenly as the last beat of music faded into silence and the lights shone brightly throughout the club. She let out a shuddering breath and felt Maura carefully extract her hands from around Jane, reaching to smooth her dress and hair.

Jane's head swam. She took a step back, overwhelmed by the brightness, the abrupt end and physical separation from Maura. She suddenly felt exhausted and disoriented, and stumbled the few feet to the wall, leaning her back up against it, head in hand. _What just…was this all…real?_

Maura was at her side, anxiously looking into Jane's face, hand resting on hes shoulder in concern. "I need…space," Jane mumbled. "It's hot. I'm not…feeling so great."

Maura stiffened and retracted her hand. Jane couldn't look her in the eye, not in the light, not after what she'd done. She was afraid to see what would be written on Maura's face.

"Well, Jane, let's get you home then," she heard Maura say.

Even through the pounding in her head, the alcohol clouding her brain, the hurt in her friend's voice made Jane's heart ache, and she hung her head as she let Maura guide her towards the exit.


	4. Chapter 4

Jane woke up to the feeling of a pair of hands vigorously rubbing her knee. She cracked her eyes open to see her mother sitting on the couch alongside her.

"God, Ma, get off!" she squawked, yanking her knees in toward her chest. The sudden motion set her head pounding.

"The sun is shining, Janie, it's mid-morning already. Time to get up. I even made you waffles from scratch," Angela enticed. "Although maybe black coffee and some greasy sausage and potatoes might be better for your condition." She gave a knowing look at the glass and pill bottle sitting on the end table near the couch.

Jane looked blearily over at the table. _Water and aspirin. Maura must've put them out for me. That was nice._ She rested her head in her hands, rubbing her temples. _Although apparently I didn't take quite enough_.

"I bet Dr. Isles was thoughtful enough to get those for you. Judging from how you look this morning, I'm sure you were too wasted to think of them yourself. And you must've been a mess for Maura not to let you sleep in her bed like you usually do." Angela sucked in a breath, covering her mouth with her hands in horror. "Jane Clementine Rizzoli, tell me you did not throw up on her expensive clothes or anywhere in this beautiful house!"

"No! Ma, I'm not sixteen; I didn't puke." _I didn't, did I? _She strained at her memory. _I'd remember if I-_

Her body went cold as her thoughts traveled back to the night before. _Oh god. Oh my GOD. _She bolted up from the couch, afraid that the sudden lurch in her stomach might lead to vomiting after all.

"What is it, Janie?" Angela hovered over her, lines of concern crowding her face.

"Where's Maura?" Jane hissed, gathering blankets and folding them haphazardly, tossing the pile back on the couch.

"I asked her to go out a little while ago for some fresh fruit for our breakfast. She'll be back soon. What's the matter, anyway?" Angela asked. They both turned to the window as they heard a car door slam shut outside, and Jane spotted Maura exiting her Prius.

Jane scrambled for the back door, one boot on, hopping as she tried to put the other on while in motion. "I…gotta leave and get ready so I can go see Casey. I need to talk to him."

"Wait, Jane!" Angela hurried after her, grabbing her arm in a vice grip before she could leave. "I spent the morning in the kitchen preparing this nice Sunday brunch for you, thinking you deserved something nice after the day you had on the job yesterday, and Maura got up early and drove to the farmer's market for fruit and you can't even sit down for five minutes with us before running out the door? After you slept in until all hours of the morning because you stayed up late drinking? What kind of mother am I, to raise a daughter like that?'

"Ma, please, I- " Jane faltered mid-sentence as Maura entered through the front door. The doctor stopped short, several cartons of fresh berries balanced awkwardly in one hand, as she noticed Jane halfway out the back door.

"Jane, you're leaving already?" Maura hadn't looked particularly cheerful to begin with, and Jane saw her eyes widen in bewildered pain.

"She won't even make time to stay for breakfast." Angela cast an angry look Jane's way. "Why it can't wait until later, I don't know, but she says she has to talk- "

"Ma!" Jane cut her off and turned to Maura guiltily. "I have some…errands to run. I'll see you later." The words rushed out as she tried to gloss over the flimsy excuse.

"Wait, Jane, I need to talk to you." Maura started across the room, dropping the fruit on the kitchen counter as she passed.

"Later, Maura, all right?" Jane said roughly. _Please, please, let me get out of here, _she begged silently.

Sensing the tension, Angela backed away towards the hall. "I'm just gonna give you girls a minute…" She disappeared around the corner.

"I'll drive you home. Your car's still at your apartment." Maura took another step toward Jane, reaching out for her arm.

Jane shrugged her off, angling her body toward the exit. "I'll just…walk. I need some fresh air." And she was out the door, feeling worse by the minute. Unable to stop herself, she glanced over her shoulder as she closed the door behind her. The sight of Maura standing there alone, looking at the floor in defeat, made Jane pause for a beat. She wanted more than anything to walk back in, over to Maura, and wrap her up in a hug to take that look away. _But I did that_, Jane reminded herself. _I'm the reason she looks that way right now. Just get out of here before you make it any worse._ She set off at a light jog for her apartment, trying futilely to rid her mind of the image of Maura standing crestfallen at her back door.

Maura couldn't watch Jane make her way down the block, watch her best friend literally run away from her. She closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her knows to try to ward off tears. Having to explain the situation to Angela would only make things worse. _If I told her mother, Jane would never speak to me again. I wonder if she'll talk- really talk- to me again anyway. _She bit her lip and fiddled with her shirt collar in frustration.

_Why didn't I stop her last night? This reaction is exactly what I should have expected, and I knew it. My denial and self-delusions that it was acceptable to let that happen were as bad as her desire after the fact to deny that it ever took place. And now…what if things are never the same?_ Maura could no longer help it, and the tears fell.

Angela came tentatively back into the kitchen. Although Maura tried to collect herself and put on a smile, Angela could see the evidence of her crying. She approached Maura and put her arm around the younger woman. "Maura, honey, what's wrong?"

Maura sniffed softly, wiping the tears delicately from her eyes.

"It's nothing, Angela, I'm fine."

Angela didn't need the outbreak of hives over Maura's neck and collarbones to know she was lying, but in a rare moment of tact, she didn't mention it directly. She rubbed Maura's shoulder, grateful that Dr. Isles was accepting Angela's physical gesture for once, even if she stood rigidly in the embrace, not seeming at all soothed by it.

_The only person I've seen her seem to get comfort from hugging is Jane. And Janie too, she usually acts like a grumpy five-year-old if you try to touch her, but she hugs Maura._

Angela spoke softly, "I know how close you two are…" As she let the words hang in the air, Maura held her breath, caught off guard by the statement, wondering if Angela had somehow figured out what had happened. As she continued, Maura realized she had simply been referencing their emotional closeness, their friendship.

"Maura, Jane doesn't have a lot of practice at being a good friend. You're the first best friend she's had since she was a kid, and things are so different when you're that young." Angela laughed sadly. "Jane's heart's in the right place, I know it is, but sometimes she gets scared and acts without thinking.. Especially with the stress from yesterday when we coulda lost Tommy and TJ and Detective Frost, and I can only thank God we didn't-" Angela crossed herself, "-and even though she won't talk to me about it, I know she's having a hard time with Casey pushing her away and how dangerous his surgery is…I think it all makes her worry about losing you, too, Maura, even if she doesn't realize it. And she doesn't know how to act."

Maura didn't respond right away. _Is that what last night was?_ she wondered. _Jane getting physically affectionate with me like that. Was it an inexpedient attempt to not lose me emotionally by getting intimate physically? Falling into patterns of complacency is a common effect of those experiencing fear of abandonment or codependency issues. She may be misinterpreting her fears as desire. So it may not have involved any sexual attraction on her part whatsoever._

She sighed. "Angela, she's not going to lose me unless she chooses to."

Angela gave her shoulder a final squeeze and stepped aside. "I know that, but she doesn't. Go make her talk this through with you." She wagged her finger at Maura. "And don't you be nervous about talking back to her. She's got a very forceful personality when she wants to see things her way, but I know she'll listen to you, Maura."

When Maura still didn't move toward the door, Angela picked up her car keys and put them in Maura's hand. "Go on."

Maura looked down at the keys, turning them over in her hand as she tried to decide what she should do. _I can't let this go unresolved. If we don't talk this through now, I'm not sure we'll ever be able to get past it._ She stood for a moment, mustering her strength. The pain of Jane's reaction, her obvious regret towards an event that had meant so much to Maura, had left Maura feeling terribly lonely- a feeling she wasn't accustomed to, despite her familiarity with being alone. It hurt- it was surprising how much it hurt.

She knew, scientifically speaking, the important that companionship played in human health. The predominant theories of well-being included close emotional relationships as a human need, but she had somehow never thought about this applying to her, being a need in her own life. _Beep, I am a robot. Beep, I do not compute human talk._ She heard Jane's mocking voice play in her head, and a vision settled into her mind's eye of her best friend trying to keep her smirk from dissolving into a smile.

_I'm not wrong_, Maura thought. _The way she looks at me, touches me- she exhibits all the classic signs of sexual attraction. Her eyes show so much more than the desperation I see whenever she talks about Casey._ Her train of thought came to an abrupt halt for a moment of self-evaluation. _There was desperation in her eyes when she ran from me just now- if I pursue this conversation when the topic makes her so obviously uncomfortable, am I any better for her than he is?_ The thought was disheartening.

Angela watched Maura, could see the internal debate play out in Maura's body as she straightened herself in determination, then recoiled, literally wavering back and forth in indecision.

Angela put her hands over her heart, wanting to reach out to comfort Maura, but sensing it wouldn't help. She didn't fully understand what was going on between her daughter and her best friend, but she knew they needed to talk it out. _This distance, this awkwardness, it hurts my girls, and I've got to help them get past it._

"Maura," she said quietly. The doctor's eyes slowly came back into focus and rose to meet hers. "You need your best friend, and Jane needs hers. Don't let her pull away from you. You're too special. My two daughters- I'm so proud of both of you, you know that- but you two gotta get better at communicating. I found this book for Jane called-" Angela rummaged in her handbag on the counter, pulling out a paperback workbook. "_How to be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving._ I haven't had a chance to give it to her yet, but you two could..." She held it out in offering.

Maura raised the back of her hand to her mouth, surprised to find herself smiling, imagining what Jane's over-the-top reaction of disgust and exasperation would be at Angela's newest self-help book. She took the book from Angela, flipping through the table of contents to feign appreciation. Her eyes stopped on one of the last sections. _Our Commitment and How it Deepens. Soul Mates._

She closed the cover and held the book up. "Thank you, Angela. I- " She searched for the right words to tell a half-truth. "I see some things in here that will be helpful to think about. I'll bring it over with me to Jane's apartment now." _And be sure to leave it hidden in the car. I don't think confronting Jane with her mother's couple's counseling book will make her willing to talk things through with me._

She excused herself and headed for her car, resolute in what she had to do, but with a sickening dread that she wouldn't be able to make things right between them.

Jane had settled into a brisk walk a block from Maura's house, feeling conspicuous jogging down the road in her street clothes and boots. The fresh air helped her headache, but the walk left her stuck in her thoughts, no available distractions to occupy her mind. She kept replaying the previous night's events, the disjointed pieces flashing repeatedly through her mind. Brooding over Casey. Having drink after drink to numb her depression. Admiring how her friend looked while dancing. Dancing herself. The desire she'd felt to be close to Maura, pressing up against her, moving with her. Touching her. And...Jane's eyes closed and her face contorted in guilt and shame. _I kissed her. _Thinking the words sent a flush through her entire body. She clenched her hands into fists, focusing on clearing the fog that was threatening to overwhelm her brain.

"God _damn_ it!" she growled out loud, pushing the light-headedness aside as she stubbornly maintained her rapid pace. Images of kissing her best friend faded into the view of Maura as Jane had fled the house- hurt, confused. _It wasn't enough to ruin things with Casey, I just HAD to go fuck things up with Maura too._ Her anger receded into remorse. _They both deserve better than me_.

She spent the rest of the four mile walk to her apartment feeling sick with regret and confusion, unable to stop the loop of memories on replay in her mind. She stopped short as she arrived at her front stoop to see Maura rising to her feet on the steps.

"Jane. We need to talk." Maura's tone was grave.

Caught, Jane took a stab at a joke to lighten the mood. "What, you're stalking me now?" She gave a half-hearted smile, which faded as she saw Maura draw back, taking the attempted humor as an accusation. _God, can I make this situation any worse?_

"It's a joke, Maur." Jane held herself awkwardly at a distance, afraid that if they got too close, she'd extend her usual physical touches of comfort to let Maura know it was okay. "But I've gotta take care of some stuff, ok? We can talk..." She gestured ambiguously, "...soon." _And never about this, if I can help it._ She started around Maura towards the door, giving her friend a wide berth.

Maura noticed the space, Jane's reluctance to get close to her. _Is she actually afraid of me? _The very idea stung. _Or afraid of her own feelings? I can't let this go without knowing. I can't let her deflect. It's now or never._ She stepped into Jane's path, blocking the door.

Jane leaned back, startled by Maura's physical assertion. "C'mon, Maura, move. I don't want to talk right now, okay?" Her voice rose into a whine.

Maura remained firmly in place. "No, Jane, this can't wait. We need to work this out now. Studies show that the longer an issue is left unaddressed, the more difficult it becomes to communicate and resolve the problem. Let me in so we can talk about this."

Jane sighed. "I'm not in the mood for your studies, and I'm not in the mood to talk."

"Jane, if you don't open that door now and invite me inside to discuss this like adults, I will start this conversation out here, for all your neighbors to hear."

Jane stared at her incredulously. "Really? You're going to pull that?"

The detective still wasn't moving. Maura pursed her lips. _If Jane wants to do this the hard way..._ She raised her voice slightly above her usual speaking volume. "What happened last night between us- when you- "

"Maura, shush!" Jane hastily reached to put her key in the door lock, looking furtively around her to see if any of her neighbors were within earshot. Nudging the door open with her hip, she reached behind her without thinking, grabbing Maura's wrist to tug her into the apartment. As her fingers made contact with Maura's skin and wrapped around the doctor's arm, Jane felt a wave of hot awareness run through her. Self-conscious, she hurriedly dropped her hand back to her side, letting go of Maura as though burned by the brief physical encounter. Avoiding eye contact, she waved her hand at Maura, ushering her inside.

Jane closed the door behind them, pausing for a second facing the door. She took a deep breath, steeling herself for the conversation to come. _It's just Maura_, she tried to reassure herself. _You've gotten through worse with her. Man up, Rizzoli._ Unconvinced, she turned and begrudgingly followed Maura up the stairs to her apartment, more nervous and shaky than she could ever remember being.

When they got into the apartment, neither Maura nor Jane knew what to do. They stood uncomfortably in the kitchen. _This is as far as I thought this through_, Maura fretted. _I don't know where to start- why didn't I at least plan my opening sentence while I was waiting for her?_ She opened her mouth, then closed it again, running her tongue nervously over her lips. _Dry mouth. Physical manifestation of anxiety due to the decreased production of saliva during the flight-or-fight response, _she noted distractedly. She gritted her teeth. _Focus. Science is not going to help you through this situation._

"Jane..." she started cautiously. "I know you're uncomfortable. And I'm sorry for being the cause of that- in this conversation now, and in allowing something to happen that I knew would cause you conflict."

She paused, looking to Jane for feedback. The detective looked defiant, standing with her arms crossed, her facial muscles taut, staring resolutely at the floor.

Maura continued, "I know you'd rather just put this behind us, pretend it never happened." She saw Jane's eyes flick briefly up toward Maura. _That got a reaction- so I'm correct. She does want to act as though nothing went on between us. If there were _any_ part of her that had truly wanted it the way I did, she wouldn't be as desperate to ignore it. _Recklessly, she plunged ahead.

"I can't pretend it never happened! I'm sorry. I wish I were able to, for you. I know it's what you would find easier, and I always try to do everything I can for you. But I can't do it with this. Jane- " She felt her voice tremble and took a moment to swallow, to steady herself. "Jane, I- I wanted it to happen. I wanted you to kiss me. It's something I've wanted for a long time."

She blinked, clearing the tears from her eyes. The next words came out in a tangle of emotion and nerves, her speech far from its normal poised structure. "I know that last night was the wrong time- it was my responsibility not to let it happen- I know you weren't in a position to make any decisions like that, and I let it happen anyway, and now- Jane, I'm so sorry, but we need to talk this through, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Because right now, I feel confused and guilty and- scared. I'm scared that my choices last night are going to cost me you. That we won't be able to go back to how we were before. That you won't trust me anymore.

"I need to know where we stand, Jane. What your feelings are. And I need you to at least _acknowledge_ what happened- that we kissed. We can't ignore it, and ignore why it happened, if we're not going to let this cause an even bigger rift between us than it already has."

She let out a shuddering breath, relieved to find her flood of words come to an end. She looked tentatively to Jane for her response. Jane hadn't moved a muscle, just stood there, her expression not reflecting whether she'd even processed a single word. _Please, _please_ let her have a reaction. I can only push so far if she won't cooperate._

After an excruciatingly long silence, Maura saw Jane working her jaw, trying to settle on the words about to come out of her mouth. Maura inhaled, unconsciously retaining the breath in her lungs in anticipation until Jane started to speak.

"Maura..." Jane began.

_ Is that sadness in her tone? Regret? What? And why can't I read her?_ Maura agonized.

Jane finally brought her eyes up to meet Maura's. "Maura, I was upset last night. Things have been...complicated...lately. With Casey, with his surgery, I just..." She cleared her throat. "I've been stressed and confused about what's going on between us- him and I-" she hastily clarified. "I shouldn't have brought you into that. Maura, I'm sorry..." Jane trailed off miserably.

And she _was _sorry. Seeing her best friend reduced to begging her for an explanation for the pain she'd caused. Sorry that she wasn't brave enough to come up with an honest, thought-out explanation for Maura, one that could fix this mess. But thinking any further than, "I'm losing the man I'm supposed to be with and so I got confused and kissed my best friend" sent her brain to a standstill. Her mind felt like it was literally shutting down on her as she tried to process Maura's words and questions. Her breathing quickened; shallow intakes of air that weren't satisfying her brain, sending panic coursing through her body. _I need this conversation to end before I pass out. It's got to STOP, she has to stop._ She closed her eyes, gripping the counter behind her.

Maura felt like the world had stopped from the moment Jane had uttered Casey's name. She couldn't follow the rest of Jane's words. _Casey. It's still all about Casey for her. It always will be._ Her line of sight settled aimlessly to a spot on the floor. _So this sensation is what people are describing when they say they feel emotionally numb. Empty. It feels like the core of you has simply been removed, like there's nothing left to feel. Is it even worth continuing this conversation?_

Mustering her energy, she lifted her head back up to look at Jane. She was standing slumped, with the counter supporting her weight, grimacing as though she were in distress. The sight of Jane like that, acting like she were the one who should be hurt in all of this, sent a stab of anger through the numbness in Maura. All the comments she'd been holding back for months finally surfaced.

Voice sharp, Maura addressed Jane. "What is so _special_ about _Casey_?" Her voice cracked. "He makes you feel terrible about yourself! He makes you second guess everything about yourself, develop insecurities I never imagined I'd see in Jane Rizzoli, in _my_ Jane." Maura felt out of control, the words not feeling like her own, unable to stop. "I have been here, supporting you through all his abuse, and you defend him and use him to explain away the significance of our relationship? What does he offer you? Does he even _try_?"

The words came like a punch in the gut, knocking the wind out of Jane. _That's not true, it's not like she says, Casey, he's- he and I-_ She tried to find the words to explain to Maura, explain the desperate need to make things work with Casey, how Maura just didn't understand, but she felt tongue-tied, unable to figure out what she meant or thought.

Maura's last words hung in the air. _Does he even try? _Jane felt sick to her stomach, frustrated at her inability to answer. _She's not right; what does she know? I was just confused..._

She burst out, immediately regretting her words and tone, but powerless to reel herself in, "Where do you get off questioning my relationship with Casey, trying to make this about you? I _love_ him."

Maura's voice dropped off to a whisper. "Then _why_, Jane? If you really love him, explain to me what happened last night. Explain to me why you kissed me if you love him so much. I don't understand."

The way Maura's shoulders sagged, the pained, earnest questioning in her best friend's eyes, made the guilt too great for Jane to look at her as she answered. She spoke to protect herself, to try to put an end to her confusion, and was wracked with shame that doing so was going to be unspeakably cruel to Maura. Her voice was cold.

"I was _drunk_, Maura. Those last few drinks put me over the edge. I was drunk and you were sober and _that_ is why it happened."

**A/N: I swear, my intentions are for Jane to eventually stop being such a huge twat. The story has gone on longer than I anticipated, so...that part is still to come. Thanks for sticking with me this far :)**


	5. Chapter 5 Final Chapter

Maura leaned forward as though to hear better, caught in a momentary incomprehension, her first thought being, "I must have misunderstood." But Jane's stance was angry, accusatory, and as Maura's brain reviewed the words that had come out of the detective's mouth, she was struck with the sickening realization that she had not misunderstood. _"I was drunk and you were sober and _that_ is why it happened."_

She shrank back, needing to put physical distance between herself and those words. Between herself and the woman who had just accused Maura of taking advantage of her while she was drunk.

She had thought Jane's desire to deny the night's events hurt. She had thought the rejection hurt. She had thought her best friend choosing a man who didn't treat her like he loved her over a woman who did had hurt.

But those were nothing- _nothing-_ compared to this.

"Jane, I- I'm sorry..." The final word was almost lost as Maura's voice caught in her throat. She turned away, wincing, trying to hide her face with her had as the tears spilled down over her cheeks.

As the adrenaline from her nerves and outburst drained away, Jane watched Maura crumple in front of her eyes. She saw her change from the confident, intelligent friend she was used to into a smaller version of herself, cringing away from Jane to quietly cry off to the side of the room. _God, she looks like I just hit her, shrinking away like that_.

Jane felt suddenly, painfully aware of her aggressive stance, the weight of the words that had just come out of her mouth. She swallowed hard. _I- I went too far- I hurt her- I didn't mean to make her cry, I- _ Her arms hovered awkwardly in the air, tense, uncertain, and she opened her mouth only to shut it again without anything coming out. _What do I even say? How do you take something like that back? How do you make it- make her- better?_

"Maura..." She heard the desperate crack in her voice. She reached out tentatively, movements jerky. _I have to hold her, I can't fix this with words._ Spanning the distance Maura had put between them, the nervousness she'd had all morning about getting too close to Maura gone, she wrapped her arms around her friend, thinking only about comforting her, taking away the hurt she had caused.

"Maura, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Jane pleaded. Maura remained stiff in her embrace. "That wasn't fair. It wasn't fair of me to blame you for my mistakes. It wasn't your fault- please, don't be upset, don't cry." Jane tried to draw Maura in tighter, hoping she could take back the sting and emotional distance between them if she could get Maura in close to her heart.

But Maura pushed her away, leaving Jane standing at a loss, arms dangling loosely by her sides. Maura spoke bitterly, and Jane knew with sinking certainty that she hadn't fixed anything, "Is that supposed to make me feel _better_, Jane? Being a _mistake?_"

Jane didn't answer for a beat, flustered. _Of course it was a mistake, right? I don't feel...THAT for her- we're just close. Best friends._ She looked at Maura, shrugging her shoulders helplessly as she said, "What do you want me to say, Maura? I'm not gonna lie and say I feel...the way you do." Seeing the stony look still on her friend's face, she reached her hand out toward her, but Maura recoiled at her touch. "C'mon, Maura, don't be like that."

Maura raised her eyebrows and cocked her head back, staring at Jane incredulously. "So that's it, then? You're blaming our 'mistake'"- she emphasized her doubt with finger quotes- "on alcohol? It had _nothing_ to do with your feelings?"

Jane shifted uncomfortably. _My feelings? I...don't know. _She ran her fingers through the hair at her scalp, trying to rub away the exhaustion. _I just can't think about this anymore._

"Well...no, Maura. I have a boyfriend. I'm not..." She lowered her voice, as though even saying the word in relation to herself was risky, "...gay."

Maura wrinkled her eyes and let out a little huff of exasperation. "You do not have a boyfriend, Jane. You have an obsession. Camouflage. A...mustache." She spat out the final word in indignation.

Jane almost smiled at the mixed-up slang, despite the tension of the situation and the implication of the intended term. _Typical. _

She was about to correct her friend, but Maura interrupted her thoughts, bringing her point home with an angry authoritativeness. "Drunk people do not do things they haven't at least _thought_ about sober!"

Even as she began her verbal denial, a series of memories swept through Jane's mind- instances when she'd had brief unexpected thoughts of being close- romantically- with Maura. She'd always brushed them off immediately, convincing herself there was nothing to think about. They were the natural- and completely inconsequential- result of sexual frustration. Like one of those weird scientifical hormonal phenomena Maura was always talking about. They didn't _mean_ anything.

Jane spoke all the more aggressively for her need to deny the uncomfortable memories. "I don't think about..._that_, Maura! I _wasn't_ thinking last night, that's the point!"

She was taken aback to see Maura advancing on her, eyes fiery with anger. Jane unconsciously took a step back, startled out of her own aggression as she was faced with Maura's narrow glare. She felt her shoulders brush up against the wall. Maura was in her face, more physically assertive than Jane could ever remember her being. A single articulate thought, _Guess I've rubbed off on her_ flashed through her mind as she felt her heartbeat accelerate, fueled by the adrenaline rush of the confrontation, and of finding Maura up in her personal space with no way for Jane to distance herself.

Maura jabbed her finger at Jane's face and snapped, "You are exactly right- you weren't _thinking_. For once you were acting on what felt right instead of being ruled by your perceptions of what seems _safe._" She paused in her speech, staring a startled Jane squarely in the eye, then continued, "You're a risk taker on the job, but you're a coward in your personal life, Jane Rizzoli."

Jane felt her mouth gape open stupidly as she tried to form a rebuttal. She was indignant at the accusation, wanted to refute it, wanted to explain to Maura how hard it had been to grovel to Casey for his attention, that had been brave, hadn't it, she wasn't a coward in her relationships, she went after what she wanted, she should tell Maura-

But Maura was still standing just inches away from her, and the words and thoughts she was trying to form were lost as Jane was hit with the sensory memory of standing like this the night before, in reverse, she backing Maura up against the club wall, that final bit of space between them gone as she had pulled Maura in tight against her. She tried to push the experience out of her mind, but she couldn't shut down the memories- the intensity of what she had felt then, the desire, the confidence. How it had felt to feel _good_ again, feel strong, feel wanted. How it felt to be attracted to someone instead of attracted to what they represented.

An eerie calmness washed over Jane. She could still hear Maura ranting at her, but was no longer processing the words. She spent a long moment just looking down at Maura's face, so close to her own, accepting what she knew she was going to do next. The unfiltered memories of how she had felt the night before, how being with Maura had made her feel, overrode the complications and uncertainty and consequences that Jane normally allowed to rule her actions.

Maura had ended her rant with a snappish rise in pitch to her last words, her body bristling with righteous anger, ready for Jane's defensive comeback remark. But Jane said nothing; for once, she simply listened to her instincts without overthinking. She dipped her head down slowly, deliberately, bringing her mouth to meet Maura's. She took Maura's top lip in her own, kissing her gently. As her hands settled on Maura's hips, ready to draw her in closer, it felt like she could drift back into the ease and pleasure of the night before, the ache of this morning's conflict put to rest.

But unlike the previous night, Maura reciprocated for only one startled second before pulling herself roughly away from Jane.

Jane found herself jerked unpleasantly out of her euphoric state, bewildered at the turn of wasn't prepared for a rejection of her advance- she was the one who had been reluctant about this whole concept, not Maura. _"_Maura, what gives?" she demanded, her embarrassment coming through as indignation. "Why'd you back off like that?" She started to step towards Maura, reaching out for her, but halted abruptly when she saw the rage on her best friend's face.

Maura was furious. She learned from her errors, and wasn't about to make the same mistake twice. Backing up to a safe distance, she glowered at Jane and rounded on her. "You think you can act like you have been this morning, then just...kiss me like that? _Really?_" She added the last word in a parody of Jane.

Jane looked stunned, frozen with her hand still extended towards Maura. Maura felt herself tremble slightly in anger and confusion. _Is she honestly surprised that that didn't make things better? Or does she look like that because she can't believe what she just did? I used to feel like I knew her so well, but now I don't even have an inkling of what she's thinking._

Jane finally broke her silence, her face appearing as crushed and confused as Maura felt. "But I thought this is what you wanted! I was just trying- "

Maura burst in. "Trying to what? Make me feel better so you wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore for making your _friend_-" she put a derisive emphasis on the word, "-cry? Well, Jane, you can't kiss me because you think it's what _I_ want. You may have been willing to let Casey play around with your feelings, but I will not allow myself to be treated like that. Some of us actually value self-respect, Jane!" She felt the tension in her body, tried to calm her breathing and heartbeat so she could assess the situation.

Jane had drawn back. She looked distressed, but Maura couldn't tell if it was because she was upset at Maura's reaction, or defensive at being called out on her behavior. _She may well just be offended that I implied that her precious Casey doesn't really love her. _Maura felt her anger and indignation fade away into sadness, her body deflate. _It's always going to come back to Casey, isn't it? _She let out a rush of breath and looked down at the ground, trying to recollect herself.

When Jane reached out to her again, grasping Maura's upper arms and dipping her head down to try to make eye contact, Maura didn't have the energy to resist. She dragged her eyes up to meet Jane's, prepared to concede defeat. _I just can't fight for this, fight for her anymore._

Jane's gaze bore into hers, but Maura was too tired to try to interpret. "Maura," Jane began. "That is not what I meant to do- play with your feelings? You know I would never deliberately hurt you, right?"

_I should take my own words to heart, I should just stop trying, stop letting her keep me reeled in when it's only going to hurt worse every time she pulls back yet again and gets angry at me for her own conflicts, I should-_ Despite her attempts to convince herself to do otherwise, Maura found herself engaging with Jane once more, needing answers, not able to walk away without calling on Jane to explain herself, to examine her behavior and intentions.

Maura shook her head sadly. "No, Jane, I _don't_ know that anymore. What would you call the past twenty-four hours? You kissed me, then you pretended I didn't exist, accused me of assaulting you, called me a mistake- and you try to fix it by starting the cycle over and kissing me again? What is that if not playing with me, Jane?" The distress was obvious in her voice.

The full weight of everything Jane had put her friend through- not only the previous night and that morning, but all throughout her doomed relationship with Casey- hit Jane with Maura's dispirited observation. _God, I hate the way she says my name- it's not like it was before. Coming out of her mouth, it used to be special- now it's just...empty._

Maura was still looking at her, awaiting an answer, but she looked resigned to the fact that whatever Jane's response was, it would come as another blow. _She doesn't even trust me anymore- have I messed things up so badly that I've already lost her? _A small, involuntary whisper echoed through Jane's mind- _It's too late anyway, you can just walk away now without having to face this..._

Jane hesitated, wavering on the rift between safety and vulnerability. _Don't do it, don't do it, don't go there. _Her heart pounded as she tried to sort out her course of action. She was about to give in to the panic pulling her back towards familiar territory, when she focused in again on Maura instead of her own racing pulse.

She took a deep breath, eyes on her best friend standing in front of her, hurt and confused and distant because of Jane's behavior. _This is Maura. I can't imagine life without her. If I can suck up my pride and take a risk for Casey, I can damn well do it for Maura._ She steeled herself for her next words. _Here goes nothing_. She felt like she was stepping off solid ground, free-floating into exposure and uncertainty.

Every part of her wanted to let go of Maura, take a step back. She longed to gain some physical distance to give herself some level of protection as she opened up emotionally, both to Maura and to herself. But it was important for Maura to know in every way that Jane was present this time, that she wasn't going to renege on an unspoken promise.

"Maura." Her voice came out huskier than usual, as it had a tendency to do when she was afraid. She cleared her throat, hating the anxiety. _It's just Maura, it's your best friend, it's all gonna be okay, just...trust. _

"You were right, you know." No reaction from Maura. She almost wished Maura would go back to being angry, yell at her again. That was better than this blank hopelessness. Jane tried to calm her nerves as she sorted out her next words, willing them to somehow come out more coherently than the jumble in her head.

"What you said, about me being a coward in my personal life? You were right." She watched Maura's eyes narrow ever so slightly in suspicion. Jane rushed on, fervently hoping that she could at least convince Maura that she could still be trusted.

"I wasn't trying to play around with you, I didn't mean- god, I just screwed up, Maura. It's not much of an excuse, but I'm not brave with this kinda stuff, with, y'know, my _feelings_ and figuring all that out. And I didn't- I don't, exactly- understand, and it was all just overwhelming and I was _scared_, Maura, actually sick with fear, and I tried not to think about what it meant. So I took the easy way out- " She interrupted herself with a small shake of her head and a wry smile. "Yeah, well, I thought it was easier, wrapping myself up in Casey and trying to pretend nothing was...different with you and me- but seeing you hurt, it hurts me too. I can't stand knowing you feel like that, and on top of everything else, the guilt of knowing I caused it- Maura, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Maura broke their eye contact, looking deliberately down at the floor. She was wary of the way her heart had given a little jump at Jane's words, wanting desperately to believe her. _Does she mean what I think she means? What I want her to mean? _She bit her lip, then reached up, carefully removing Jane's hands, one by one, from where they'd been clutching at Maura's upper arms throughout the exchange. _I can't afford to get swept away by her touch the way I did last night. I need to remove myself, analyze the situation- her- as objectively as possible._

She watched Jane for her reaction, trying to step her mind back enough to use her forensic psychiatry training to read Jane.

Jane had drawn back slightly, suddenly. Maura studied her face. Her eyebrows were held low, her head down, not making eye contact. _Signs of shame. _Maura looked down to the rest of her body. Jane had pulled her hands in close to her body, and her thumbs were wrapped in her fists. _Self-comfort. Insecurity._ Maura made her conclusions. _She appears remorseful, as well as hurt and shaken by my rejection. I don't see anger or deceit. _

But she still wasn't fully confident in her interpretation of Jane's reaction, under the circumstances. She looked at her friend seriously. "Jane, I tentatively accept your apology. But I can't make guesses as to what you really mean based on indirect statements. I need you to very clearly break down the rest for me."

Jane tilted her head sideways, shaking it slightly. Her eyes were wide, anxious. "Maura..." she began to protest, but Maura interrupted her entreaty.

"I'm not trying to diminish the fact that this will be scary. I understand that, and I can appreciate how difficult this is for you. But it's something I need you to try to do, for me. Because right now, I can't trust my ability to keep my desires separate from reality, so I am choosing to trust you to be honest and open with me. And most of all, to be sure that you mean what you say. Can you do that for me?"

_I can't._ Jane was light headed, her breathing stilted and shallow. She closed her eyes briefly. _I have to._ She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She tried again. Still nothing.

_Just say it, Rizzoli_, she instructed herself. _Say what, exactly?_ The cowardly part of her brain was fighting back._ Ugh, just spit it out. Tell her...what you feel. It's not that hard. Other people manage it. Stop standing here gaping your mouth open and closed like a stupid fish or something. _

"I..." That was as far as she got. Her mind went blank with panic, unable to process what could possibly come next. She felt her hands clench into fists and she angrily expelled a rush of air from her mouth, turning her head to hide the welling tears of frustration from Maura. _Why can't I be more like her, all...articulate? And even though she's a little- okay, a lot- socially weird, she still manages to be so aware and unashamed of herself. She's waiting for me to say something, and I can't even string a sentence together. She deserves better_. Her vision blurred.

Maura looked on as Jane struggled. It was painful, standing by while Jane got angry and upset with herself and not being able to help. _You can't let her out of this though, no matter how difficult it is for her,_ Maura reminded herself. _She needs to face this, and you need answers. It's not helping either of you if you don't make her verbalize and define her emotions._ She fretted, trying to hold back her instinct to comfort her friend.

_I don't have to make her do it alone though- do I? This is about us- about re-establishing our relationship. I can at least be there for her while she figures it out. _She wavered for a moment, attempting to analyze whether she was about to act sensibly, or justifying a reaction that would set them back further.

Her analysis couldn't override the need to reach out, to connect with Jane. She bridged the gulf between them, lightly brushing the back of Jane's hand before curling her fingers up under Jane's clenched fist. The rigidity in the detective's grip lessened as she allowed Maura's hand to find its place in hers.

"Talk to me, Jane."

Some of the trepidation eased inside Jane at the assurance of Maura's presence by her side. _Having her with me makes me feel braver, more secure. What more evidence do I need to know I have to acknowledge this? This, right here, her- what's wrong with me, trying so hard to push that away?_ She focused on the gentle pressure of Maura's hand on hers, and let it pull her through the fear she still felt.

Staring off at a spot across the room, knowing she'd never get the words together if she had to look Maura in the eye as she said them, she spoke. "Last night wasn't some drunken whim, Maura. And it didn't happen because of you. I mean, it did- because of both of us- but not...not the way I accused you of earlier." Her free hand covered her face, as though she could shield herself from the memory of what she'd done. "Maura, I can't believe I said that."

Maura observed silently, noting that this was the same sentence Jane had spoken yesterday, right after coming home from the scene at the Storrow Building. It lacked the dramatic self-pity it had contained when she had used it in reference to Casey. This time Maura detected only a quiet sorrow and remorse.

Jane stole a quick glance at Maura before returning her gaze to the doctor's expression revealed no helpful clues, but she seemed engaged. _At least she's still there. And she doesn't look furious anymore. Or like she's about to burst into tears. _She continued resolutely. "It happened because of the way I feel about you." _Say it, Jane._ She swallowed, trying to quell the dryness in her mouth. "I feel..." _How do I begin to describe what I don't even understand?_

She switched tactics with the vague notion that maybe it would be easier if she started by describing her actions instead of her feelings. "Kissing you, being close to you last night- it was...it felt...really natural. That whole concept- the idea of being with you like that- it's something I've been trying to ignore for a long time now, I think. Any time it crossed my mind, I just...refocused on something else. It seemed like it would be too different, too strange. Too risky. I never even thought about the possibility that it would feel so normal. Saying this- hell, even letting myself _think_ it- it's scary."

Jane finally made eye contact, gripping Maura's hand a little tighter. "But the idea of losing you is even scarier."

Maura wanted to just stop analyzing, to take the explanation Jane had given and run with it, not give her a chance to back out of what she'd said. Now that Jane was finally looking her in the eye, the intensity was overwhelming. _Dilated pupils,_ Maura noted. _Head tilted forward. Mouth open slightly. All signs of arousal in the female. She feels it too. I knew she did._

But there was still too much left unspoken for Maura's apprehension to be entirely overridden. Running her tongue unconsciously over her lips, she forced her mind back to the unanswered questions that she knew she shouldn't ignore.

"Jane...you said you don't want to lose me- but that isn't the same as clarifying what it is you do want."

As the question reached Jane's brain, she was dimly aware that it should intimidate her. She dragged her gaze away from Maura's mouth, trying to focus herself. The warmth radiating through her body was distracting, and she didn't want to think; she wanted to answer the question physically, by pulling Maura in and holding her to let her know that she wanted _her_, wanted to recreate the intimacy they'd had on the dance floor, wanted to relive those moments forever.

Jane utilized the extensive practice she'd had at stifling her attraction to Maura to hold herself back. She knew that Maura's question was serious, and she deserved a real answer- one that showed her that she could rely on Jane to come through now, despite how epically Jane had failed her during their first foray into...Jane felt another flutter of fear cut through her arousal as she tried to come up with the words to describe what had happened between them. _I have to define this,_ she realized. _She needs me to do better than "I'm scared of kissing you, but I really want to do it again anyway."_

Getting bravery from the feeling of Maura's hand, which hadn't yet pulled away from hers in exasperation or offense at her clumsy attempts to explain herself, she pushed herself to find the right way to say what she was feeling.

"What I want...I want there to be an 'us'. I want to learn how to be as comfortable this and my feelings as you are. I want to experience last night again, but without getting my courage from drinking too much- I want to get it from you instead. I want my best friend and my..." The list of possible terms coursed through her head. Although it seemed inadequate, she settled on one. "...partner to be the same person." Her eyes flickered down to their hands, held between them, then back up to meet Maura's. "I want you to tell me that you'll do this with me."

_Yes,_ Maura wanted to say. _Yes, of course. Yes, I've been waiting for so long._ She hesitated. _I've been waiting while she's been obsessing over someone else- someone who recently rejected her_. She didn't want to bring up his name- hated the idea that he once again had to intrude into her relationship with Jane. But he'd been a defining factor in Jane's life for months now, and ignoring the obvious questions and possible implications would only leave Maura with doubts and worries. And if this was truly going to happen, she couldn't move forward half-heartedly.

"What about Casey?" she asked quietly.

Jane was startled by the conversation's change of course. "What about him, Maur? This isn't about him, it's about us. You've thought all along that he's bad for me, I know you have. Why do you care about him now?" Her stomach dropped as she wondered if she'd somehow misinterpreted everything, made her confessions only to get told once again that they- she- wasn't really welcomed.

Maura could see the panic and hurt flash across Jane's face, and correctly surmised where they stemmed from. She clarified, "Jane, I want to be with you. I just need to be sure- and know that you're sure- that it's happening at the right time, and for the right reasons. Your infatuation with Casey may have been heightened by your self-reported attempts to repress your feelings towards me, but that can't explain all of it. You must have felt something for him. How are you sure that you're suddenly just over him? That you're not using me as an emotionally and physically available substitute for someone you can't have?" _Convince me. Please believe in us strongly enough to make me certain I won't come to regret this yet again._

The phrase "using me" stung Jane, though she knew she deserved the implication that it was a possibility. Her instinct was to cover up the hurt and play off the difficult question by answering with a joke, or sarcasm, but she bit her tongue and made herself give it real thought.

"What I felt with Casey...I don't think it had much to do with him. It was more about me. It was safer to put all my energy into going after someone like him. Someone I knew and had a crush on back when I was seventeen. It's the classic dream- marry your high school sweetheart, you know? And what I was trying to keep myself from thinking about is so not what anyone imagines when they picture the time-honored love story or whatever."

She paused to gather up both of Maura's hands in hers. "And I cared about that, for some reason- I wish I hadn't wasted time being so caught up in some vision of what my life should be." She frowned. "That's not what I'm usually like- doing things because people expect me to? But once I'd started things up with Casey, it got to be this...cycle, that I got sucked deeper and deeper into. I'd already invested so much into this image of my future- and if I let it go, I was going to have to face something about myself that I wasn't ready for. And the longer it went on, the guiltier I felt, and the worse I let Casey get away with behaving toward me, and the less prepared I was for dealing with this. Does that even make sense?"

Maura nodded. "But what's changed?"

Jane lowered her hands, still cupping Maura's between them, simultaneously drawing Maura in closer to her. She didn't let go until the last second, when their hands were at waist-height. Moving slowly, giving Maura time to stop her if she wasn't yet sufficiently reassured of Jane's sincerity, she brought her hands lightly to Maura's hips, their bodies mere inches apart. She felt the pounding of her heartbeat in her ears, the rush of blood to her head.

She could detect a slight tremor as it ran through Maura. She tilted her back and neck away a few degrees so that she could look her friend in the eye as she spoke.

"I finally got to experience what it'd be like to acknowledge what I really wanted. I tried to pretend this morning like it hadn't happened, but I should have known that after feeling what it was like to be with you, I wasn't gonna be able to ignore this anymore."

She paused, overwhelmed with the sheer amount of feelings flooding through her. After having desperation and shame dominate the feelings in her relationships for so many months now, the way this ache and longing actually felt _good_ was staggering. She needed to convey this to Maura. Her usual discomfort and self-conscious second-guessing about openly describing her feelings was overruled in the intensity of the moment.

"I don't _want_ to ignore this anymore. You made me feel so...sure of myself, like I was finally where I should be, and could just...let go and know that everything was going to be right. Casey has never made me feel like that Maura- just you."

Casey had also never made her feel as aroused as she felt right now, hovering so close to her friend, their contact limited to where her hands lay on Maura's hips. She felt the pressure of her fingers involuntarily increase, and she rubbed her thumb over the bone it rested on there. She wanted to allow it to travel further, and wanted to feel Maura's hands exploring her body in return. But even the bravery and confidence Maura inspired in her didn't extend to articulating those particular thoughts.

Maura made one last distracted survey of her brain, wracking it nervously for any questions she might be allowing herself to overlook as the bulk of her attention was consumed in the feel of Jane's hands on her. She felt no lingering doubts about the detective's sincerity, but there was always the chance that Jane would retreat once again into her fears, despite her best intentions not to hurt Maura again. And the change in her sentiments had done its about-face awfully suddenly. _But then again, it isn't truly an about-face, _Maura thought._ It's things falling into place. It's the realization and the willingness that's come so abruptly; that doesn't speak to its validity or durability._

She no longer felt like she was trying to justify an inevitably disastrous decision, although she had no delusions that things were going to progress completely smoothly from there on out, or that there was no possibility that Jane might decide that she couldn't handle her conflicting feelings after all. _But Jane's taken her risk in opening up to me this much; I have to take my risk and trust that her best attempt will be enough._

She didn't speak in answer to Jane, as there had been no real question. _There never actually was a question, was there? We were inevitable._

Instead, she put aside her usual facts and probabilities and need for solid, scientifically provable evidence. She _felt_ it. And so did Jane. That was enough for her, in that moment. It was liberating- as much as she'd made Jane feel strong and confident being herself, Jane inspired a similar change in Maura. A loosening of the strict standards she usually adhered to. A relaxation into herself and her emotions.

She felt the last of that insulating rigidity melt away under Jane's hands.

Maura knew she no longer had to restrain herself; she could act as she desired without guilt or the distraction of worrying about the consequences. She let her hands reach out, finding Jane's waist. Her first movements were slow and deliberate, despite her urge to make up for all the lost time they'd spent mediating their touches to maintain the pretense that they only happened in friendship. She wanted to savor this moment, imprint it in her memory forever- the first candid embrace, not fueled by alcohol or anger.

At her touch, she could hear the inhalation from Jane, felt hands gripping her and pulling her closer. Maura trailed her fingers lightly, slowly, up the detective's sides, reveling in the fact that for the first time, she didn't have to hide the pleasure she took in the feel of her friend's body against hers.

As she reached Jane's shoulder, she paused, running her thumb along Jane's collarbone, taking the moment to look into her eyes. The warmth and love and desire she saw there was a sight she was familiar with, and Maura was flooded with a staggering gratitude that this time, the feelings could be demonstrated by more than just a shared look.

The outpouring of desire that Jane felt as she gazed down at Maura, who was there, _right there,_ so perfect with her half-smile, and her hands caressing Jane's shoulders...her body was on fire, and she couldn't comprehend how she'd been able to bottle up and ignore her feelings for so long, because now, she couldn't stop herself, didn't want to stop herself, didn't _have_ to stop herself anymore, and her hands slipped under the hem of Maura's shirt, needing to be rid of every bit of separation between them as she drew Maura into her and brought her head down, her mouth stopping with her lips just touching Maura's. They stayed still for a beat, and Jane could feel the softness of Maura's breath against her skin.

Then she kissed her, and it felt even better, a thousand times better, than her memory of how it had been to kiss Maura the previous night. She felt hands traveling up and entwining themselves in her hair, the gentle tugging at the back of her neck letting her know that Maura felt the urgency as well, the almost unbearable need to get even closer, although their bodies were already pressed fully up against one another. Jane didn't know what to do with herself, with her simultaneous conflicting desires- to keep kissing Maura, and to pull back so she could see and admire this woman who she was now _allowed_ to look at with the attraction and longing, and to lead her to the couch or the bed- which was closer?- or hell, even the floor, whatever would allow Jane to lay her down and entwine her body even more fully with Maura's.

As her thoughts and cravings and heartbeat raced, her right arm maintained pressure around Maura's lower back, strong, anchoring her friend up close to her, and her left hand continued to roam, taking in the feel of Maura's skin beneath her fingers, the tautness of her muscles, the light bumps of the bones in her spine.

Maura's hand slipped away from where it had been clutched in her hair, her thumb tenderly tracing Jane's jawline and her fingers trailing along her neck. Jane felt her body shudder slightly at the way the intimacy of the gesture moved her. Maura's hand drifted to a stop, and Jane felt the pressure of the doctor's first two fingers increase on her pulsepoint. The shape of her mouth beneath Jane's also changed; the kiss was no longer being reciprocated.

Jane dragged her head back from Maura's to find her friend grinning that mischievous smirk of hers, her eyes light with playful mirth. "What?" she asked, torn between wanting to treasure her friend's adorable expression for a moment longer, and not feeling able to endure the separation between them.

Maura tapped her neck lightly, smiling through her words. "Your heartbeat is through the roof, Jane. The excitement and physical contact during an erotic encounter often stimulate a spike in the heart and respiratory rates and a release of chemicals to the brain- much like exercise. I couldn't help thinking that I should have suggested this as an alternative activity source for the endorphins you needed last night. Skipping the alcohol and dancing and getting straight to this part would have saved us a lot of this morning's hardship."

"Maura!" Jane gasped in mock horror. But she couldn't maintain the expression of fake offense; her face dissolved into a smile as she was consumed with adoration for the woman in front of her, and thankfulness that Maura had stood by her and been just the right combination of pushy yet patient in making Jane acknowledge her feelings in the aftermath of their night out.. She brought her mouth to Maura's ear, whispering, "Never change. I love everything about you. Right down to the embarrassing facts you share at the most inopportune times." And she ran her lips down Maura's neck as the doctor opened her mouth to respond, causing her attempted speech to fade away into a soft moan of pleasure. Her interest in using her facts to tease Jane was lost as she was overcome once again at how exquisite it felt to finally feel the heat of her friend's mouth and hands unapologetically focused on her.

* * *

**A/N: Many thanks to cstarj for her help and suggestions in sorting out how things in this chapter were going to go. She also gave me a couple of GREAT lines for Maura that I immediately fell in love with and knew I had to use here :) **


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